The Joke Thread

[mcmurphy]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

[Isaan Rollie]

What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

Outlaws are wanted.

[Isaan Rollie]

One day at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son is choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's balls and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man, "I work for the IRS."

[Isaan Rollie]

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called "The Russian Pretzel," which often landed his opponents in the hospital.

When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, "Coach, he's HUGE. I'm scared."

The coach replied, "You da MAN! Just go in there and tear him up!"

The guy started the match quite confidently, but after about a minute, the Russian picked him up, slammed him into the famous pretzel, and sent him to the emergency room.

The same thing happened to the second wrestler, so the third guy was petrified. He told his coach he was backing out.

The coach said, "C'mon, son. You're our last chance!"

The kid started out pretty well, but when the Russian started to twist him into the pretzel, the coach covered his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the referee holding the American's hand up in victory. The coach, baffled, asked the kid how he did it.

"Well Coach, when that damn Russian picked me up and started twisting my body, it HURT! So when I saw two red things dangling there, I bit them... HARD! You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own balls!"

[Isaan Rollie]

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.

[issanrebel]

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

[Naam Jai (?2008)]

A man is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him with a huge frying pan.

What was that for?

The piece of paper in your shirt pocket with the name "Marianne" written on it.

Remember,two weeks ago when I went to the races? "Marianne" was the name of the horse I bet on.

Wife apologies profusely.

Three days later sitting in his chair again reading the paper and his wife smacks him across the head with the frying pan again.

What the hell was that for?

Your horse phoned.

[Isaan Rollie]

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

[Naam Jai (?2008)]

All my own work, so i take full responsibility


Is BIN Laden a type of wine?

How would you describe it.

Lots of red juices flowing out?
Slightly bitter on the pallet?
A cheeky number?
A Vine, no longer a Bush
Hanging on every word?
Dead in the Wood?
Not yet bottled?
A screw top variety?

Over to you......................

[Isaan Rollie]

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he
noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention
and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the
man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man
answered "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity',
'inter-stellar space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs',
etc.......
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try
a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked
and asked what he would have? "A Martini, please."
Again it was superb! The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started
discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to
expect the Dodgers to do this week end.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a
stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,



"A-r-e......... y-o-u-r......... p-e-o-p-l-e..........

g-o-i-n-g...........t-o.......t-r-y......a-n-d........

n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e.......... B-u-s-h.........a-g-a-i-n-?????

[Naam Jai (?2008)]

50 YEAR OLD ASS

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror.
He asks,"What are you doing" She replies "I went to the doctor today and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old".

The husband retorts "Well what did he says about your 50 year old ass?

She replies "Frankly my dear,your name never came up"

[Isaan Rollie]

What's the difference between a Porsche and a hedgehog?
<
<
<
A hedgehog has its pricks on the outside.

[Naam Jai (?2008)]

INNOCENT TOURIST
A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip
Upon arriving,he is visibly puzzled filling in his visa application
The border official looks over his shoulder
and sees the tourist trying to write "Twice a week"
into the small space labelled "Sex"
The official explains "No no no,Thats not what we mean by this question.
We are asking "Male" or "Female"
"Doesn't matter" the tourist answers

[Isaan Rollie]

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

[Isaan Rollie]

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.

His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.

I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.

As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.

As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!