The Joke Thread

[Naam Jai (?2008)]

What do you call a man with a small willy?
Justin

[KHOI]

What's the difference between a girl in a bathtub and a nun?

...the nun has hope in her soul !

[Isaan Rollie]

What is the difference between a leech and a lawyer?

The leech stops sucking you dry after you're dead.

[Isaan Rollie]

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?

A: Your honor.

[Isaan Rollie]

A 90-year-old expat in Korat said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[mcmurphy]

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

[Isaan Rollie]

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

[Isaan Rollie]

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun. He shouts 'this is a robbery - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him also.

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around. There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner....

'I think my wife caught a glimpse....'

[Isaan Rollie]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, " I would like to buy some cyanide. "

The pharmacist asked, " Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, " I need it to poison my husband. "

The pharmacist eyes got big and he exclaimed, " Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide! "

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, " Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription. "

[Isaan Rollie]

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.

The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

The lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

[Isaan Rollie]

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''

[Isaan Rollie]

Two goldfish were in their tank. One turns to the other and says, 'You man the guns, I'll drive.'

[Isaan Rollie]

What's the difference between the government and the Mafia?

One of them is organized.

[tubbiguy (?2009)]

What do "Jack the Ripper" and "Winnie the Pooh" have in common? ................same middle name

[Isaan Rollie]

George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies, he goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here I'm going to have to let someone else go."

"I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you'll have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room. In the room was John Howard and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs tied open in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you are free to go!"